the mask of music

Saturday, July 28, 2007

I feel so lost!!! I dun feel angry, juz slightly upset.. Why? I dun lyk goin to coffee shops.. As in dose wif the super strong smell of all the diff foods.. I turns me off to smell dat la.. But dat bugger told me to go help him buy 'duck rice'.. Damn him la.. It's lyk a stupid disagreement over such a small matter.. It's lyk my principle.. I dun lyk goin dere & u shld respect.. I was revisin my chem while wad were u doin?? watchin ur stupid tv.. which is more important?? so it's my fault now? I totally dun think dat i'm in the wrong la.. Compare studyin wif watchin tv.. I dun wanna go buy & u sae i'm unfillial?? talk abt girls hm.. Noe why i've turned out lyk dat?? cos i'm so darn fed-up.. Fuck sia.. instead of knowin or learnin how to dangle a carrot or sweet u think dat usin the rod's the bez wae.. wadeva la.. I'm damn tired of life.. It's lyk so totally meaninless.. and i'm livin life as it is.. Mum has done her part.. u may haf done sum.. but it's ur method of teachin dat's wrong.. I din argue bac todae.. cos i practicalli had no more feelings.. am i still a human?? haha.. I learnt frm u.. bad points are easier to learn.. U dun keep promises.. thou u tell me i shld.. did i learn dat frm u?? U took my things without my permission.. U got dat bac rite? It doesn't and wun bother me even if u get to read dis.. cos i've done nth wrong & i'm jus expressin myself.. It's lyk u wan me to go to sch and promises to gif me dat amount dat is so darn fuckin little.. but i agreed.. wad happened?? u gaf less.. & we agreed dat u can't take dat to threaten me.. wad happened.. u totally jus did dat.. i made dat agreement cos i know dat u sure can't keep to it.. u and ur crap.. "It's the only method." total bullshits.. Dere are so many other ways.. givin me a treat for doin well.. the more u wanna tie me up, the more i wanna break free as soon as possible.. ya.. fed-up.. Life.. wads the meanin of dat word? i haf totally no idea no more.. no idea.. why.. haf i changed alot frm the past? haf i turn out to B so much worst?? to a point where u'll start hatin me? i realli dun noe..
If i'm realli gone one dae, i wan dis song to B played..
Every step i take, every move i make..
every single day, everytime i pray..
Thinkin of the day, when you went away..
Wad a life to take, wad a bond to break..
I'll B missin you..

as sung at [7:52 PM]

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Lots of things has happen.. I’ve changed.. many ppl thinks so.. I guess, I feel it too.. maybe, I feel too lost and hurt.. the feelin between us is gone.. maybe it wasn’t really dere in the first place.. all along.. my heart was only wif the person I <3>

as sung at [11:31 PM]

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

My toe is fuckin pain now la.. BLOODY FUCKS.. I totally din noe dat the holder of the screen was not strong enuf to hold the screen.. I dropped frm my shoulder dere to my toe.. If it could drop, den how was it able to hold the screen for pass few yrs.. I had been usin the com for so long.. Jus changed not long ago only.. My toe is bleedin internally.. N it’s bloody pain la.. Now I cant even walk properly.. The screen was an ok weight.. But frm dat height, it jus hurts darn badly.. Now wad abt sch? I dun lyk goin to sch in slip-on’s.. I dun even go downstairs in slip-on’s N sch uniform.. The match is so ugly… My dad applied medicine for me already.. But it’s internal.. will any medicine or cream work.. I’m so unlucky today man.. My oral today was lyk a killer.. I felt lyk a fool.. I walked out of the examination hall after my turn, den I realised dat I forgot to bring my pouch out.. I walked bac into the hall wif the invigilators looking at me as if I was a fool.. I was so nervous.. I kept lyk err.. ermm.. dan.. hm.. I’m totally so dead la.. Feel so messed up..

as sung at [11:39 PM]

Sunday, July 08, 2007

The weddin was lyk so fun la.. the bride & groom arrived in the morn jus as 15 min after we reached.. Dey looked so nice.. The were lyk models alreadi.. Wif their photos lookin lyk port-folios.. Dey R both so blessed.. My bro was the 1 openin the door 4 dem.. he looked so shuai qi too.. I din haf anything 4 such a formal occasion to wear.. I wore sumthing dat did not match & i tot i looked real weird.. After the lunch buffet in their Bangalow.. I HAD to go 4 last min shoppin to look 4 a dress.. Now i noe dat i'll haf to get more formal dresses.. So dat i may attend more weddins w/o havin to crack my head to think of wad to wear.. I bought a dress & wore it 4 the weddin at nite.. Great man.. I'm goin to shop.. *when i haf the $$*.. haha.. Hmm.. the weddin kept all of us very full.. the first dish.. *woots* so B.E.A.U.tiful.. It was lyk disco lights in a wine glass.. wif a cover & a carved budhha out of a carrot on top of it.. dere was the *kong ba pao* which i din dare to touch.. cos i din lyk it at all.. to me.. the last dish was the bez.. the yam wif sweet potatoes.. so nice & hot.. jus cooked.. It was a heavenly dessert.. haha.. the diff singers was the bez part of the weddin.. the 1st was dat malay or indian which noe how to sing english chinese & dialect.. He was lyk a pro la.. wif a not so pro voice.. the 2nd was a guy.. when he came out, he was wearin a SKIRT!!! so was questionin myself if he was a guy or a girl.. mani question marks came out above my head.. haha.. his singin was lyk so K.A.N.A.S.A.I.. yet.. he has an album.. I wanna make an album too.. If he can i can too.. I wanna go make album.. any1 noes how to make?? THX..

as sung at [11:14 PM]

Saturday, July 07, 2007

I went to the hospital to C my grandma.. Got quite upset when i saw her in sho much pain.. But i dunno wad i can do.. It hurts me badly N my tears rolled down my face automatically.. I'm really lost.. But not to let her worry, i shld B happy.. Tmr.. or rather ltr, i'm goin in to M'sia to attend my cousin's wedding.. I still got no idea of wad to wear.. I've got no gown or dress.. My mum says to jus wear skirt and a top.. Betta dan jeans N a top.. HOW??? i think i'm goin to wear my brownish grey skirt N a sleeveless red top and cardigan.. Hope dat it'll look nice.. Wad abt the shoes leh?? Hmm.. high heels.. i jus realise dat i'm a pathetic freak.. no nice clothes dat is presentable to wear out of the house.. gosh.. i feel so dumb la... Grrr..

as sung at [12:29 AM]

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

I feel so messed up all over again.. Noddin in front of the com, even thou its morn alreadi.. I slept lyk at 4 last nite N woke up ard 8.. Forr the past few nitez, I haven been slpin well.. I cant get to slp.. N by the wae.. shld I jus gif up N go do other things dat might B betta forr me.. thou I wanna persue my dream, I feel dat its quite impossible. My eyes keep closing rite now.. I’m havin a hard time to adapt.. I feel so tired, but I dun think I’m allowed to go N rest.. that old man asked to me go to school.. can I jus go ard 2 or 3 plus? Cos I dun wanna be servin detention.. its jus plain wastage of my time.. as I’m writin, my eyes R openin N closin.. I’m doin my F&N by the wae..

as sung at [10:33 AM]

Why do i feel dat i've already lost to myself.. I've totally no confidence in wad i do.. I feel totally lost N confused.. I realli dunno wad to do.. I dun think i can make it.. Dis is lyk a plain failure to me.. i wanna gif up.. i jus feel lyk givin up.. i can't take it no more.. but i noe dat if i gif up now, i might regret it.. i noe dat some might say dat i've already gone so far.. but i feel dat i'm totally laggin behind.. i see no future in myself.. i wanna gif up everything.. everything i got.. Why can't i be lyk dos in the drama series? So sweet life, yet a little unhappy?? I'm so messed up N confused now.. I hope i was a stupid N not so clever.. i wish i was carin enuf to care for others.. i only seem to realise how ppl look at me.. i'm too concern abt dere tots.. I was too proud in every small thing i do.. I'll nv B able to do anything well.. I wun B able to fulfill my dream.. I'm pathetic in every stupid N sickenin way.. i feel like i dun even noe myself.. i dunno my wae.. I wan some things.. but i cant find the words to sae.. N i wanna gif up some other things.. but i'm so afraid.. Maybe, u might say.. u were nv a mouse but why are u afraid.. But can any1 B so sure of me when i dun even noe myself?? I dun even think dat my parents noe me.. Dey always say things to hurt me, i noe dat dats the way they think of me.. i cant do anything to stop dem frm thinkin dat way.. I cant find the words to say, cant find a way to speak it out.. I keep everything in me.. N i cant seem to B able to confide in any1 except the wall or my piglets.. Some1 whu wun gif comments bac to me, wun say omg, it cant B, wif all dos expressions.. It hurts to know dat i'm so useless, i feel like dat i'm a nobody..

as sung at [1:55 AM]

Sunday, July 01, 2007

I'm practically goin insane.. My dad bought new com and tv.. one gd thing is dat i can change my com alas.. dis com super pathetic lor.. can change com le.. yippy.. he got dis plasma..which is lyk suddenly so small cos my previous tv was 'small'.. haha.. N he doesn't wanna throw away the old tv.. so my house has 5 tv now.. so cramp lor.. crap.. at last i change my blog le.. ok.. i'm tryin to get a nice..Hmm.. cute but plainone.. goin to work one nite ltr.. goin for stocktakin.. tonite will B my 3rd time work 1 nite.. stocktakin.. rem my 1st time.. all the cornflakes dropped on me la. dan pigstine keep laughin.. 1st time got 5 ppl.. Jason, pigchelle, pigstine, pigsie and me.. and rem.. the money not alot la.. but straight cash leh.. jason took taxi in the middle of the nite la.. siao one.. work for fun de lor.. haha.. yea.. dan like dat i get straight cash, dan can go buy my white shorts lo.. cos i spent all my money too quickly.. spent so much lor.. ya.. than i also saw my mei mei le.. got the photoshop cd frm her.. thx so muxchie.. haha.. i'll pass it bac to u soon.. and hor blogger lyk sumtimes got prob hor.. cant get into the webbie.. nvm la.. at least now better than last time.. ltr my uncle comin to change my com for us.. the box all here le lor.. haha.. so very the happy.. really realli hope dat i can play audition this time round.. hope.. haha.. i write too much le la.. hee.. gtg.. cya.. and rem ta TAG ME!!!.. haha..

as sung at [12:40 PM]